Enjoy the experience of off shore sailing...

It may not have escaped your notice that this is awards season.

And every week it seems the stars of stage, screen and TV set queue up in their designer rented outfits to stroll down the redcarpet, to feign undeserving humility and to blub uncontrollably as they thank all and sundry for the gong they have just collected.

You can win a Golden Globes, a Brit, a Bafta, a Tony, an Oscar and no doubt some other person’s name.

But I would like to suggest to our Social Committee that we should have awards.

We could call them The Boaties or the Yachties or something similar.
Or how about a Tom, after Mr Cunliffe, a perennial Boaters favourite. And inspiration to many.

I for one would welcome the chance to totter down a red carpet one evening to the Rugby Club in my best Jimmy Choo’s and the latest Vera Wang creation.
We could have the lights, the envelopes, the speeches, the total awards package.
Now this is not as far-fetched an idea as it might sound.
We have already had the award for Best Photographer and following the recent quiz, the Cleverest Boater.

We just need to expand on the idea a bit and develop the categories.
Naturally we would have an award for Best Sound. But as in previous years it is likely that there would be no nominations for this award.
Best Costume would be a shoo in.
The hot favourite would be the design team behind the Boaters team outfits as modelled by our Committee at our monthly gatherings. I doubt there would be much competition for this one.

After that it might get a bit tricky.
And while the Oscars might have categories for Best Supporting Actor and Best Actor and Best Director, we would need to have Best Mate (or is that a horse?) and Best Skipper. It would be tricky to call the winner of those awards, or even the nominations.

Similarly it would be tight to call the winner of the Best Meal, Best Cruise and Best Social. Quite frankly we would be spoilt for choice.
And while we are not known for our comedy and side splitting moments, the tale of one hapless Boater trying singlehandedly to haul his boat alongside against wind and tide to the amusement of the other crews, must be a hot favourite for the Comedy Award.

I think this would be a great evening.
And surely far more interesting than discussing our Constitution yet again.
Wouldn’t it be great to see us all glam just for one night?

To stroll down the red carpet into Bromsgrove Rugby Club with flash bulbs going off all around.
And to see our prize winners feign delighted surprise and to hear them, assuming we have sound, thank their family, their crew, the RYA, Ben Ainslie, Lord Nelson, Francis Drake, their therapist for being there for them and inspiring them to win this award.
And to watch hardened Skippers and Mates shed a tear as they clutch their Tom? Or does that sound rude.
Now that would be a great evening.

And on that note I am off to share this brilliant idea with our Social Secretary.
And to prepare my unprepared acceptance speech for when our esteemed Commodore opens that wee gold envelope and announces ‘And the winner is…..’

Damn.

Now smile hard, look as if I’m pleased, and try harder next year.

Did you see the Boaters fashion collection at the AGM meeting?

Isn’t it to die for?

With an impressive range of gilets, fleeces and polos, it is practical, hard wearing and extremely good value. No wonder they are flying off the shelves.

And we will look the part.

No doubt thoughts are now turning to next year’s Spring and Autumn Collections.

But I do think that future designs would benefit from a woman’s touch.

Navy is a mighty fine colour but, darlings, perhaps a more varied colour palette could be considered. And as we are deep into autumn perhaps the range palette could be extended to include the russet colours of browns, gold and reds to better capture and reflect the hues of the ‘season of mellow mists and fruitfulness’.

I don’t know who designs our range, assuming of course they are designed, but if they seek inspiration on this, let him, and I am sure it is a him, imagine the garb of the trees as they turn from green and leafy to autumn russet.

Or if we don’t like russet colours, what about a range in soft pastels. Like salmon pink. Or sky blue. Or sunlight yellow. The list is endless.

Maybe these lighter colours might feature in the Boaters’ Spring Collection.

It is not just the colour scheme that could be enhanced by adding women to the design team.

Have you seen the tailoring on the range to date?

No?  My point exactly..

Shapeless polos, fleeces and gilets may hide a multitude of sins and may suit the shapeless figures of many of us, but they hardly flatter those of us with the physique and cheekbones of a Kate Moss, Elle McPherson or Linda Evangelista.

We could do better. So much better. Our designers need to consider cut and tailoring.

And while we are on this topic, what about extending the range…for men and women?

Hoodies and fleeces and baseball caps are well and good but they are not exactly….how might we say it….at the cutting edge of fashion, and it is quite limiting.

What about a knitwear collection? Or an après sail range? Even trousers and shorts? And not forgetting a branded range of accessories like gloves, scarves and bags.

We could go on.

Maybe instead of an Annual Photography Competition we could have the Boaters Fashion Show with designs from our more arty and fashion-conscious Members.

But let’s just settle for an enhanced range in a wider variety of colours tailored for the modern figure.

And then our crews will be the best dressed on the water, we might not be the best sailors but we will look the part!

I now realise that if I want to continue to sail with Boaters I need to diet.

And so methinks do many of our Members.

This may seem a bit harsh and a bit drastic but given what I heard at the Skippers Question Time drastic action must be the order of the day for many if not all of us.

For those of you who missed what I thought was a truly excellent and informative evening, a question was posed along the lines of how should we rescue from someone the sea when they might weigh considerably more than the fenders with which we normally practice our man overboard technique.

Now I do not mean to be rude when I say this but taking one look around the room on the night I would posit that there cannot be a single Boater, male or female, who does not weigh considerably more than all the fenders on the boat combined.

And that is when our clothes are not weighed down by water.

But it was the answer that scared me.

And if anyone needs any more motivation to diet and lose weight, this must be it.

The panel were unanimous on the answer. Don’t fall in.

Brilliant advice!

On a par with the warning notice on a packet of peanuts that ‘this packet may contain nuts’.

I am not aware of anyone who has ever chosen to go overboard. But people do and when they do we must be prepared know how to pluck people from the sea.

And I for one have always placed my faith in Boaters Skippers to hoist me from the fishy waters.

It seems like I may have been wrong. And here is the really scary thing.

No one had a really clear idea how they would get someone of our weight on-board.

The consensus from my reading of what was said is that basically if you go over you are dead. Don’t expect us to get you out. We can’t. You are too heavy. And by the way your safety harness is not going to do you much good.

Thanks, lads (and lady).

Makes me wonder why we spend so much time on our RYA courses learning how to rescue fenders.

We might be great at recovering those but our ability to apply this learning to Boaters Members at peril on and in the sea seems very limited.

And I am not sure that this is limited to Boaters Skippers. There are plenty of articles seemingly which reinforce the news that MOB drills for real rarely work.

Unless the RNLI are within escort distance of the boat.

But have you ever seen a boat with stand-on RNLI tender?

Alternatively we could ask our Sailing Secretary to take into account our BMI index when allocating crews.

That way we might be assured that should we hit the water, there is at least the chance we will have the people on board with the size and stature to get us back onto dry land.

Or I could diet.

It might at least give me a fighting chance if I can get my weight down to Fender Weight.

And even if it doesn’t improve my survival chances, I will look great in my bikini next year.