Enjoy the experience of off shore sailing...

It has been with a deal of Schadenfreude that I have been following the tales in recent weeks that have been coming forth from FIFA’s head office.

For those mono linguists among you we are talking about ‘delighting in the misfortunes of others’.

But it has been shocking to read about the bribery, the corruption, the nefarious underhand dealings that have been going on.

Of World Cups that have been bought; of hand balls that were erased from history by the swift transfer of money; of committee members lining their own pockets at the expense of the so called beautiful game.

Allegedly.
(We are advised by Boaters’ lawyers that we must use that word to save us from libel.)

But could you imagine what might happen if Bromsgrove Boaters behaved like FIFA?
And this is not to suggest that our Commodore is a Sepp Blatter. Or that our Committee behaves like the FIFA Executive Committee.
(Again we must say this for the avoidance of doubt and to stay out of the courts.)

Now there are some differences admittedly between Boaters and FIFA.
We only charge £15 pa for membership.
We are not sitting on reserves in excess of £1bn.
And as far as I know we have little in the way of broadcasting and merchandising rights with which to fill our coffers and the boots of our Committee.
Although surely the rights to our natty collection of Boaters’ polos, gilets and fleeces might bring in a bob or two.
Maybe we should be told who owns the rights to these.
Just in case.
But we should still be on our guard.
For as Acton said ‘Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely’.

Or we could sell the rights to host a Boaters sailing weekend. No doubt the marinas in Plymouth, the Hamble and Haslar would jump at the chance to be the Boaters destination of choice.
And a members vote would be the perfect opportunity for a spot of graft and corruption.
I wonder if we could get Qatar involved.
Or maybe we could find funds being distributed to the Malvern voting bloc to ensure this year’s photography competition goes to someone whose photograph might not be the best.
You just never know.

But fortunately Boaters is not like FIFA. And hopefully it never will be.
For one thing we meet in Bromsgrove.
And last time I looked there is no record of Bromsgrove being a tax haven shrouded in secrecy.
The Lickeys are not the Alps.
And of course we are all just too nice and honest.
So we can all breathe easy.

It is a source of great amazement and amusement to count how many bags some people lug on board when going sailing.
Even for a weekend.
And we are not talking women here.
Even if it is a well-known fact that we women need lots and lots of stuff when we go anywhere.
For the worst offenders here are male.
And when I talk about bags I am not talking about bags for food and other assorted victuals.
We are talking about the bags used to cart clothes, equipment and other stuff.
My record is 8 bags.
For a weekend.
3 nights.

And when I say my record, this does not mean that I have carried my stuff on board in 8 bags.
This is the number of bags others seem to need for their stuff.
I am not sure that I have got 8 bags of stuff in the rest of my life.
What do people have that needs 8 bags?
How much do they take home un-used, un-sullied, un-opened?
There is a scene in ‘A Bridge too Far’ when a senior officer wonders if he should pack his golf clubs and dinner jacket before he flings himself out of the plane and goes into action.
Is this what people are taking with them on a Boaters Weekend?
Do they think they might get the opportunity for a quick round before dinner?
Or think that dinner might be somewhere incredibly posh and formal instead of in the cramped and casual confines of the saloon?
Are they preparing for all eventualities?

I struggle to fill 2 bags even when I pack in my sleeping equipment.
It is also interesting to see the amazing array of matching and usually non matching luggage into which people stuff their belongings.
Bags of all shapes and sizes.
Square ones, round ones, big ones, small ones, long ones, briefcases, hexagons, pentagons, dodecahedrons (I am sure someone must have one of these).
Plastic bags from all price points of the supermarket spectrum.
Re-usable ones. And the ones that kill the fishes.
Maybe we should think like Ryanair and charge for bags. A great way to boost Boater funds. And to give us all more room on board.

Next time you are out with Boaters, count the number of bags per person on board.
Anyone beat 8?

This is going to be a voyage of discovery but with Captain Ahab at the helm it will be one I hope you all enjoy as we set sail on a regular blog column through the by waters, shoals and creeks of sailing and cruising.

And as its winter hopefully Captain Ahab will keep you amused and stimulated until you can get back out onto the water.
But before you get on board with the Captain, you are bound to have many questions.

First who is Captain Ahab?

As many of you know Captain Ahab is a fictional character from Moby Dick but he is also a fictional character from Bromsgrove Boaters who has taken it upon himself to share his sense of humour and sideways glance at life as an occasional sailor.
Any why has he decided to share his thoughts?
To spice up and make more interesting Bromsgrove Boaters and its blog and website. But fear not, Captain Ahab may be fictional but he brings you no harm.
And please let Captain Ahab know what you think or suggest topics and issues on which you would like to hear from Captain Ahab, Silence will be taken personally and demonstrate a lack of interest in Ahab’s musings!

As you will learn Captain Ahab is a relative newcomer to the world of sailing.
Indeed compared to the many grizzled and sea bitten faces of many of those who come along to Boaters meetings, he is a mere baby.

Now many non-sailors consider sailing to be an exclusive non accessible pastime unless you are rich and have time on your hands.
The second may be true but we all know the first to be absolute bilge.
It is not money but language that makes it non accessible.
And Ahab is no good at languages.
He sometimes think it would be easier to learn Serbo –Croat than the language of sailing.
Even the most basic terms are designed to confuse and obfuscate.
Why is it Port and Starboard? Surely left and right are good enough.
If Ahab can drive and navigate through city streets using left and right why can’t sailors? After all they have less corners to turn.
And who came up with the terms sheets and lanyards and warps?
Bloody hell, they are all ropes and strings at the end of the day.
And heads, where did that come from?
Heads sit on shoulders, they are not place where we do our ablutions.

Do you get Ahab’s point?
We could go on.
Maybe it’s time for a Plain English Campaign for sailors and boaters.
Ahab is too old to learn a new language.